Fuk Da Kredit Krunch

It’s Saturday, the sea is becalmed, the doldrums lay heavy upon this humid Isle and it’s time to get my rant on. Fuck the credit crunch, what a bullshit meaningless term birthed in the fetid alien womb of PR speak politics. Fuck that shit. It’s a crisis of capitalism, of free market dogma, hey guess what- huge global unregulated markets decided in their unaccountable freedom and run by the already wealthy, they decided to be crooks, they faked up debt packages ignored warnings and fed their greed. It’s not a credit fucking crunch it’s the price of capitalist greed, the consequence of elite crime, so take your banal blameless phrase and stuff it up your economically moribund arse. Ignoring the reason for this only means once we have survived it…we’ll do it all over again.

Guess fucking what, if you have a social democracy with good welfare and progressives taxes the booms aren’t quite so good, but also the busts are not as bad, but no, not even that moderation is acceptable to the Church Of The Free Market. One less solid gold ball scratcher is far more immoral that a homeless person starving. These Friedmanite Taliban accept nothing but the unfettered liberty of capital to do as it will and by just an amazing coincidence this supposedly intellectually compelling theory just so happens to mean the rich get to be even richer. I wonder why it was embraced so enthusiastically, I’ll guess we’ll just never ever know, huh?

And while the proof the theories are utter bullshit that fail to account for hegemonic greed and the base dehumanisation of us into lonely selfish robots of enlightened rational market decisions (their model only works if the people within it act as psychopaths, hmmmm). While that proof stares us in the recession-tastic face, even now the fundamentalist are planning on taking this crisis and capitalising on it to push through even more extreme polices. Yeah maybe if the oligarchy get all the money some might trickle down this time, hey it’s worth a try, did I tell you my 17th home has a new jetway, yeah by the golf course? This just makes the race to the bottom even quicker, watch out China!

Fuck the credit crunch, the least we could do is have a competition (ooh they’ll like that) to find an even more facile term to lampoon our misery and let the guilty off the hook after all newspapers are already printing patronising how-to-make-more-money pieces (hey get an extra job, y’know after working 8 hours, and then 2 hours commute/prep so after working 10 hours -well 11 because lunch is at work you can’t chill at home-  go and do another job, problem solved!). So in place or in addition to the Krazeee Kredit Krunch, newspeak me this Batman-

• Bill Bingo
• The Job Shuffle
• House Squeeze (that’s the new term for being made homeless)
• Welfare Reform (already popular)
• The Market Tingle
• The Loan Spank
• Mortgage Murmur
• Money Drizzle
• Vote Conservative

Mission accomplished New Labour, you have done what the US right wanted and destroyed Britain’s mainstream left wing party. Time for another (cold?) war.