‘Sir’ John Scarlett’s Cavalcade of Whimsical ‘Facts’

All guaranteed to be presented not-under-oath!

  • JFK was a suicide.
  • The Loch Ness Monster is Bigfoot scuba diving.
  • Hitler was acting in self defence.
  • Alastair Campbell won’t come in your mouth.
  • Simon Cowell makes a great contribution to music.
  • Don’t worry I’ll pay you back next week.
  • Saddam Hussein parachuted out of the first plane (which he piloted) to hit the WTC then was smuggled back to Iraq by to oversee the building of atom bombs coated with anthrax by Elvis (or Mohamed Islam, as he is now known, Osama Bin Laden’s right hand man).
  • I just can’t believe it’s not butter.
  • It is entirely coincidental that on the afternoon David Kelly died he amended his will to leave his priceless Subbuteo collection to me.
  • Rod Liddle is an intelligent witty writer, a leading anti-racism activist and not a beater of pregnant partners.
  • Miss Scarlett in the Cluedo board game was my mum.
  • Only 100,00 people died in the Iraq war, just like only a few hundred thousand Jews, Socialists, LGBT people, Romany died in the Holocaust, all the rest are hiding in secret enclaves funded by a shadowy international conspiracy funded by aliens, human rights activists and lefties keen to smear war and genocide as some kind of a bad thing.
  • No one ridicules my freakishly deformed slaphead behind my back.
  • Tony Blair is bit like Jesus really.

Translating The Government On Torture

Dr Kim Howells, Labour chairman of the intelligence and security committee, told Today it would examine any claims of UK complicity in torture. “I can tell you that we found no evidence that there’s been collusion between the intelligence services, any government department and governments that torture their individuals. We can’t give a guarantee, and no government on earth can give a guarantee that somebody who’s picked up and held in another country hasn’t had their… human rights abused in some way.”

‘Dr’ Kim Howells- “I can tell you we succeeded in averting our eyes from all the evidence of torture, and just as a get out clause when we can no longer suppress the evidence- Oh gosh we can’t guarantee the World doesn’t torture, so when we have detainees deliberately moved to a nation we know tortures and like totally surprisingly they get tortured that is in no way our fault just because that was the express reason we and our US masters, I mean ‘allies’ situated the detainee there. It’s called deniability, put some layer between you and the dirty wet work and ministers will never see the inside of a court room PS. Yes I am a compete twat.”

Speaking on BBC Radio 4’s programme MI6: A Century in Shadows, Sir John Scarlett defended the actions of his organisation, the Secret Intelligence Service or MI6. “Our officers are as committed to the values and the human rights values of liberal democracy as anybody else,”

“They also have the responsibility of protecting the country against terrorism and these issues need to be debated and understood in that context,” he added. He denied that British intelligence services had been compromised by their close relationship with counterparts in the US. “Our American allies know that we are our own service, that we are here to work for the British interests and the United Kingdom. We’re an independent service working to our own laws – nobody else’s – and to our own values.”
He insisted there has been “no torture and there is no complicity with torture”.

‘Sir’ John Scarlett- “Hello I’m a famous liar that helped get over a million people killed in Iraq, but hey why not throw sanity to the wind and believe what I’m saying now, Terrorism whooooaaaa scary innit, you need us otherwise Al Qaeda will rape your childrens’ eyes out with anthrax jihad dildos. So like Kim boy I’m saying we don’t torture, then adding this strange- but the World’s a dangerous place proviso which means -Yes of course we collude in torture and do anything the US says. Now have I told you what this nice Mossad chap said to me about Iran, they have a nuclear Mecha-Godzilla poised to attack Finchley!”

The Cheque’s In The Post

The Bank of England’s rate-setters have decided to pump another £50bn of new money into the economy in their programme of quantitative easing.

That’s printing money, and…not had my share through yet…how strange…

A Statement On My Expenses

Released today via my solicitor NAME REDACTED

As I’m sure many of you know it’s not all lavish parties and hedonistic excess for a blogger, the money one makes is paltry. If you choose to be paid to blog (ticking the –Pay- box in your WP dashboard) you receive a mere £65,000 annually, this is barely helped by £100,000 or so in expenses the average blogger claims. All in all most of us squeak by on a miserly annual figure below £200,000 (below– for tax purposes, not ‘below’ as in the accepted meaning of the English word, all further enquiries should be directed towards- TP Holdings, Suite 87,349, Cayman Islands, Jupiter. *note this address does not correspond to an actual postal address and no phone, fax or email details will be given). Of course outside directorships and other ancillary jobs, sometimes requiring as much as 1 day a month can provide some extra cash, a few hundred thousand here and there but who can live on that?

The Media

Now recently the jealous sorts in the traditional media have been making a fuss that we are paid too much, well au contraire mes ami as the Norwegians say…they are merely jealous of our immense power and the high regard we are held in by ‘The World’. While many mainstream journalists were gently running their tongues over the nether regions of leading politicians, bloggers pointed out the New Labour Government had committed a huge war crime and the evil offenders are now all safely in jail for life. Can you imagine the slaughter if they were still roaming free? Oh it just doesn’t bear thinking about. It is this vital work that commands the rewards, that while clearly a mere pittance, are according to the muck raking press- a huge and unearned pot of lovely moolah that we are abusing fraudulently in a show of utter disdain for 99% of the population who have nothing like that level of wealth, power or opportunity.

Apparently The Telegraph is a socialist newspaper.

My Innocence

Some mileage is made out of the second home payment I claim, they allege as the two houses in question are mere metres apart surely one would get pretty well much the same geographical advantage from just one house and for half the cost. Well that’s easy for them to say, the rules clearly state that where a blogger resides too far from their keyboard for daily commuting they can claim for the expense of a second house. As my keyboard when angled a certain way (on the shared patio with hot tub adventure playground and pro size driving range) is slightly nearer the second house than the first, it is therefore much more convenient to have this second house to work from. But their pedantry does not stop there, apparently claiming £27,059 for nude finger massages is somehow not a work related expense, well duh, typing is not easy and without this essential medical intervention I could become crippled for life. Smears that I dictate my posts to an indentured Balinese servant and hence this payment is for some other service are wildly overstated, they can buy themselves out at any time. There are also claims I have evaded tax on sales of ‘multiple second homes’ 83 times in the last 14 months, what nonsense! With a dedicated satellite wireless hub and platinum plated Mac Book Pro encrusted with emeralds, rubies and diamonds, my freedom of movement means many houses qualify for temporary second home eligibility and as far as I know there is no law against not paying tax, and if you doubt me ask a senior member of the government! They make the law (and are predominantly legally trained) so I don’t think you can find a better authority than that!

Furthermore it is essential we are paid at a certain level to attract the best talent and to provide a disincentive for bribery (which is why I will shortly be leading the charge for a 73% increase of our basic wage with attendant expenses increase in line with inflation – in 1920’s Weimar Germany). Apparently the newspapers have not noticed the stunning success of this strategy with a solid 100% of Britain’s best talent and every one a paragon of the utmost ethical standards and integrity. An inarguable triumph!

A ‘People Person’

Another issue that has been brought up is something termed inequality, I am told it is Marxist in concept and has something to do with fairness (I’m afraid my eyes just glazed over at this point with all the Bolshevik jargon). But allow me to explain for the benefit of those non-corporate types. I am paid 10 times (ten not meant in a literal or legally binding way) more than an average worker, that is because I am ten times better, as a person, as a professional, if I was murdered the perpetrator would get ten times the sentence than if they killed a fellow peasant, my life is ten times more important. Conversely if I was thought guilty of a crime the standard of evidence has to be ten times higher and the suspected crime ten times more severe. For instance only after killing 100 average workers (or 400 ‘jobseekers’) should I even be looked upon as a possible subject of an investigation and yet these irrelevant financial matters are seen as reason to impugn my Good Faith ™. Apparently the rabble have forgotten the rigid caste system our wonderful capitalist system enforces. Where is the innocent until proven powerless-or-foreign principle that has made our Ruling Class country so great?

In Conclusion

I would like to state categorically that if the rules are wrong that doesn’t make me wrong for knowingly pushing them to their limits. What, am I meant to have some objective moral standards or something, are you insane?

Man Of The People

Business Secretary Peter Mandelson is in line for a pay-out of up to £1m after leaving the European Commission to rejoin the Cabinet. He will continue to receive taxpayer-funded EU pay worth £234,000 over three years – in addition to his annual ministerial salary of £104,386.

The Conservatives spokesman on Europe said the details of the “golden goodbye” would anger UK voters. Mr Mandelson will be ennobled on Monday to allow him to return to the Cabinet. He will take his seat in the House of Lords as Lord Mandelson of Foy and Hartlepool.

I can’t think of anyone I know who isn’t paid a mil in severance and is a Lord, common as muck, like all those millionaire Lords the Tories have… Although really the evil commu-tory BBC are exaggerating it a bit, it’s not a lump sum after all!

The business secretary is entitled to the EU compensation package despite giving up his post as trade commissioner voluntarily after four years. Under EU rules, Mr Mandelson will be eligible for around £78,000 in “transitionary payments” annually for the next three years. The money – £234,000 in total – will also be subject to preferential tax rates devised for EU officials.

The top-up ensures his income in his new job is the same as his £182,500 salary as a commissioner. In addition to the salary boost, Mr Mandelson’s four-year stint in Brussels entitles him to a pension. When he reaches the age of 65, Mr Mandelson will receive a pension, starting at £31,000 and then rising in line with the cost of living.

A private sector worker who wanted to ensure a similar income in retirement would have to build a pension fund worth more than £700,000. As he relocates from Brussels to London, Mr Mandelson is also due a one-off resettlement grant of £15,000.

Only £15 grand? That’s pretty well much leaving him with a bin bag and a coach ticket home. How’s he meant to fund moving on his poverty pay?  Subject to preferential tax rates? Oh the humanity! I can only hope he picks up some moonlighting directorship gigs to keep body and soul together as he serves the public so selflessly. And an inflation linked £31 grand pension? Why not just start feeding him value dog food as he freezes to death right now you stingy bastards!

Oh Mandy, you came and you gave without taking!

[Ok it was just an excuse for the Manilow lyric. Damn you, history will be my judge!]

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Government Giveaway

I was just declaring SORN via the directgov website on an old car that we can’t quite decide what to do with and at the end of the process (which is easy and much simpler than trogging down to a post office so yay for that) I got-

Your SORN declaration has been successful and you have now been automatically entered into a FREE Prize Draw for one of 3 brand-new Seat Ibiza  cars (unless you chose not to be entered in Step 1). Details of the prize winner will be provided at http://www.dvlaprizedraw.org

Huh? So the govt. is doing prize give-aways like any sleazy corporation? Of course it’s a bit cunning as if you win you will be liable for tax etc but still WTF? And SEAT, got a good lobbyist have they? I see I could have chosen not to be entered but I missed it, silly me thinking that when I’m dealing with govt. sites to make legal declarations I have to be on the lookout for raffles! Also as part of the process you can tick a box to avoid you being sent offers and info, again like any business. Which I suppose to the consensus of our parties is true, all is commerce, public service is something plummy voiced actors talked about in black and white films. I have heard the idea that to get more voters it should be run as a lottery with every vote giving you the chance to win a million, which is how these suits think, not that over a third of people don’t vote because of lack of real alternatives, sod that, like we’re deviating from neoliberal dogma even as it destroys itself, nope we’ll retain power by having a minority vote for us by offering them a prize giveaway. Democracy Shmnocracy, Bingo or Sudoku, that’s your political choice.

Government From The VIP Lounge

I find this story Jotman has strangely fascinating, he says-

Somchai, the new Thai prime minister, has set up an office inside Bangkok’s old international airport Don Mueang. He says it’s temporary, but the protesters occupying the grounds Government House are in no hurry to move. And neither the army nor the police seem to have the authority to move them.

Bangkok Post:- The nearby VIP lounge 2 will be used to receive his guests while the four remaining lounges will serve as his deputies’ offices. Next to his office block is a building with 33 rooms that once served as airline offices or meeting rooms for airport executives. They will be a new workplace for some 2,000 staff of the PM’s Office, while a meeting room on the fourth floor will be for cabinet sessions. ”The room is not elegant and stylish, but it’s clean and looks practical,” Mr Somchai said.

I think maybe he could start a trend, after all most government is basically a corporatist sham so why not lodge in luxury commercial real estate, make the relationship clear. Plus if things get dicey you can hop on a jet and be gone before the populace wonder where all their money has gone and generations to come are in debt to private financial institutions (for example, ahem). The overwhelming security of airports would also work to keep the governed away from the seat of power and let’s face it, what politician really wants to hang with the great unwashed? C’mon admit it to yourself, they just aren’t that into us.

They govern in the interests of the super rich elite and this way they would meet them regularly as they passed though on their global travels plotting & stealing the world’s capital. Although would the environment begin to affect policy in odd ways, would a minister for Starbucks and The Sock Shop be appointed? Will a War on Lost Luggage be implemented? Or over priced croissants (actually I could get behind that, cheeky profiteering motherfuckers)? But really it would be a perfect match, all the government departments housed in the relevant franchise stores where they would at last openly show their true allegiances, all public service reduced to for profit businesses overcharging a captive market. Is the airport a perfect metaphor for the end stages of neoliberalism? After all it too will be extinct when the oil runs out.

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