‘Sir’ John Scarlett’s Cavalcade of Whimsical ‘Facts’

All guaranteed to be presented not-under-oath!

  • JFK was a suicide.
  • The Loch Ness Monster is Bigfoot scuba diving.
  • Hitler was acting in self defence.
  • Alastair Campbell won’t come in your mouth.
  • Simon Cowell makes a great contribution to music.
  • Don’t worry I’ll pay you back next week.
  • Saddam Hussein parachuted out of the first plane (which he piloted) to hit the WTC then was smuggled back to Iraq by to oversee the building of atom bombs coated with anthrax by Elvis (or Mohamed Islam, as he is now known, Osama Bin Laden’s right hand man).
  • I just can’t believe it’s not butter.
  • It is entirely coincidental that on the afternoon David Kelly died he amended his will to leave his priceless Subbuteo collection to me.
  • Rod Liddle is an intelligent witty writer, a leading anti-racism activist and not a beater of pregnant partners.
  • Miss Scarlett in the Cluedo board game was my mum.
  • Only 100,00 people died in the Iraq war, just like only a few hundred thousand Jews, Socialists, LGBT people, Romany died in the Holocaust, all the rest are hiding in secret enclaves funded by a shadowy international conspiracy funded by aliens, human rights activists and lefties keen to smear war and genocide as some kind of a bad thing.
  • No one ridicules my freakishly deformed slaphead behind my back.
  • Tony Blair is bit like Jesus really.

Translating The Government On Torture

Dr Kim Howells, Labour chairman of the intelligence and security committee, told Today it would examine any claims of UK complicity in torture. “I can tell you that we found no evidence that there’s been collusion between the intelligence services, any government department and governments that torture their individuals. We can’t give a guarantee, and no government on earth can give a guarantee that somebody who’s picked up and held in another country hasn’t had their… human rights abused in some way.”

‘Dr’ Kim Howells- “I can tell you we succeeded in averting our eyes from all the evidence of torture, and just as a get out clause when we can no longer suppress the evidence- Oh gosh we can’t guarantee the World doesn’t torture, so when we have detainees deliberately moved to a nation we know tortures and like totally surprisingly they get tortured that is in no way our fault just because that was the express reason we and our US masters, I mean ‘allies’ situated the detainee there. It’s called deniability, put some layer between you and the dirty wet work and ministers will never see the inside of a court room PS. Yes I am a compete twat.”

Speaking on BBC Radio 4’s programme MI6: A Century in Shadows, Sir John Scarlett defended the actions of his organisation, the Secret Intelligence Service or MI6. “Our officers are as committed to the values and the human rights values of liberal democracy as anybody else,”

“They also have the responsibility of protecting the country against terrorism and these issues need to be debated and understood in that context,” he added. He denied that British intelligence services had been compromised by their close relationship with counterparts in the US. “Our American allies know that we are our own service, that we are here to work for the British interests and the United Kingdom. We’re an independent service working to our own laws – nobody else’s – and to our own values.”
He insisted there has been “no torture and there is no complicity with torture”.

‘Sir’ John Scarlett- “Hello I’m a famous liar that helped get over a million people killed in Iraq, but hey why not throw sanity to the wind and believe what I’m saying now, Terrorism whooooaaaa scary innit, you need us otherwise Al Qaeda will rape your childrens’ eyes out with anthrax jihad dildos. So like Kim boy I’m saying we don’t torture, then adding this strange- but the World’s a dangerous place proviso which means -Yes of course we collude in torture and do anything the US says. Now have I told you what this nice Mossad chap said to me about Iran, they have a nuclear Mecha-Godzilla poised to attack Finchley!”

The Cheque’s In The Post

The Bank of England’s rate-setters have decided to pump another £50bn of new money into the economy in their programme of quantitative easing.

That’s printing money, and…not had my share through yet…how strange…

A Statement On My Expenses

Released today via my solicitor NAME REDACTED

As I’m sure many of you know it’s not all lavish parties and hedonistic excess for a blogger, the money one makes is paltry. If you choose to be paid to blog (ticking the –Pay- box in your WP dashboard) you receive a mere £65,000 annually, this is barely helped by £100,000 or so in expenses the average blogger claims. All in all most of us squeak by on a miserly annual figure below £200,000 (below– for tax purposes, not ‘below’ as in the accepted meaning of the English word, all further enquiries should be directed towards- TP Holdings, Suite 87,349, Cayman Islands, Jupiter. *note this address does not correspond to an actual postal address and no phone, fax or email details will be given). Of course outside directorships and other ancillary jobs, sometimes requiring as much as 1 day a month can provide some extra cash, a few hundred thousand here and there but who can live on that?

The Media

Now recently the jealous sorts in the traditional media have been making a fuss that we are paid too much, well au contraire mes ami as the Norwegians say…they are merely jealous of our immense power and the high regard we are held in by ‘The World’. While many mainstream journalists were gently running their tongues over the nether regions of leading politicians, bloggers pointed out the New Labour Government had committed a huge war crime and the evil offenders are now all safely in jail for life. Can you imagine the slaughter if they were still roaming free? Oh it just doesn’t bear thinking about. It is this vital work that commands the rewards, that while clearly a mere pittance, are according to the muck raking press- a huge and unearned pot of lovely moolah that we are abusing fraudulently in a show of utter disdain for 99% of the population who have nothing like that level of wealth, power or opportunity.

Apparently The Telegraph is a socialist newspaper.

My Innocence

Some mileage is made out of the second home payment I claim, they allege as the two houses in question are mere metres apart surely one would get pretty well much the same geographical advantage from just one house and for half the cost. Well that’s easy for them to say, the rules clearly state that where a blogger resides too far from their keyboard for daily commuting they can claim for the expense of a second house. As my keyboard when angled a certain way (on the shared patio with hot tub adventure playground and pro size driving range) is slightly nearer the second house than the first, it is therefore much more convenient to have this second house to work from. But their pedantry does not stop there, apparently claiming £27,059 for nude finger massages is somehow not a work related expense, well duh, typing is not easy and without this essential medical intervention I could become crippled for life. Smears that I dictate my posts to an indentured Balinese servant and hence this payment is for some other service are wildly overstated, they can buy themselves out at any time. There are also claims I have evaded tax on sales of ‘multiple second homes’ 83 times in the last 14 months, what nonsense! With a dedicated satellite wireless hub and platinum plated Mac Book Pro encrusted with emeralds, rubies and diamonds, my freedom of movement means many houses qualify for temporary second home eligibility and as far as I know there is no law against not paying tax, and if you doubt me ask a senior member of the government! They make the law (and are predominantly legally trained) so I don’t think you can find a better authority than that!

Furthermore it is essential we are paid at a certain level to attract the best talent and to provide a disincentive for bribery (which is why I will shortly be leading the charge for a 73% increase of our basic wage with attendant expenses increase in line with inflation – in 1920’s Weimar Germany). Apparently the newspapers have not noticed the stunning success of this strategy with a solid 100% of Britain’s best talent and every one a paragon of the utmost ethical standards and integrity. An inarguable triumph!

A ‘People Person’

Another issue that has been brought up is something termed inequality, I am told it is Marxist in concept and has something to do with fairness (I’m afraid my eyes just glazed over at this point with all the Bolshevik jargon). But allow me to explain for the benefit of those non-corporate types. I am paid 10 times (ten not meant in a literal or legally binding way) more than an average worker, that is because I am ten times better, as a person, as a professional, if I was murdered the perpetrator would get ten times the sentence than if they killed a fellow peasant, my life is ten times more important. Conversely if I was thought guilty of a crime the standard of evidence has to be ten times higher and the suspected crime ten times more severe. For instance only after killing 100 average workers (or 400 ‘jobseekers’) should I even be looked upon as a possible subject of an investigation and yet these irrelevant financial matters are seen as reason to impugn my Good Faith ™. Apparently the rabble have forgotten the rigid caste system our wonderful capitalist system enforces. Where is the innocent until proven powerless-or-foreign principle that has made our Ruling Class country so great?

In Conclusion

I would like to state categorically that if the rules are wrong that doesn’t make me wrong for knowingly pushing them to their limits. What, am I meant to have some objective moral standards or something, are you insane?

Man Of The People

Business Secretary Peter Mandelson is in line for a pay-out of up to £1m after leaving the European Commission to rejoin the Cabinet. He will continue to receive taxpayer-funded EU pay worth £234,000 over three years – in addition to his annual ministerial salary of £104,386.

The Conservatives spokesman on Europe said the details of the “golden goodbye” would anger UK voters. Mr Mandelson will be ennobled on Monday to allow him to return to the Cabinet. He will take his seat in the House of Lords as Lord Mandelson of Foy and Hartlepool.

I can’t think of anyone I know who isn’t paid a mil in severance and is a Lord, common as muck, like all those millionaire Lords the Tories have… Although really the evil commu-tory BBC are exaggerating it a bit, it’s not a lump sum after all!

The business secretary is entitled to the EU compensation package despite giving up his post as trade commissioner voluntarily after four years. Under EU rules, Mr Mandelson will be eligible for around £78,000 in “transitionary payments” annually for the next three years. The money – £234,000 in total – will also be subject to preferential tax rates devised for EU officials.

The top-up ensures his income in his new job is the same as his £182,500 salary as a commissioner. In addition to the salary boost, Mr Mandelson’s four-year stint in Brussels entitles him to a pension. When he reaches the age of 65, Mr Mandelson will receive a pension, starting at £31,000 and then rising in line with the cost of living.

A private sector worker who wanted to ensure a similar income in retirement would have to build a pension fund worth more than £700,000. As he relocates from Brussels to London, Mr Mandelson is also due a one-off resettlement grant of £15,000.

Only £15 grand? That’s pretty well much leaving him with a bin bag and a coach ticket home. How’s he meant to fund moving on his poverty pay?  Subject to preferential tax rates? Oh the humanity! I can only hope he picks up some moonlighting directorship gigs to keep body and soul together as he serves the public so selflessly. And an inflation linked £31 grand pension? Why not just start feeding him value dog food as he freezes to death right now you stingy bastards!

Oh Mandy, you came and you gave without taking!

[Ok it was just an excuse for the Manilow lyric. Damn you, history will be my judge!]

Posted in Class War, Media. Tags: , . Comments Off on Man Of The People

Government Giveaway

I was just declaring SORN via the directgov website on an old car that we can’t quite decide what to do with and at the end of the process (which is easy and much simpler than trogging down to a post office so yay for that) I got-

Your SORN declaration has been successful and you have now been automatically entered into a FREE Prize Draw for one of 3 brand-new Seat Ibiza  cars (unless you chose not to be entered in Step 1). Details of the prize winner will be provided at http://www.dvlaprizedraw.org

Huh? So the govt. is doing prize give-aways like any sleazy corporation? Of course it’s a bit cunning as if you win you will be liable for tax etc but still WTF? And SEAT, got a good lobbyist have they? I see I could have chosen not to be entered but I missed it, silly me thinking that when I’m dealing with govt. sites to make legal declarations I have to be on the lookout for raffles! Also as part of the process you can tick a box to avoid you being sent offers and info, again like any business. Which I suppose to the consensus of our parties is true, all is commerce, public service is something plummy voiced actors talked about in black and white films. I have heard the idea that to get more voters it should be run as a lottery with every vote giving you the chance to win a million, which is how these suits think, not that over a third of people don’t vote because of lack of real alternatives, sod that, like we’re deviating from neoliberal dogma even as it destroys itself, nope we’ll retain power by having a minority vote for us by offering them a prize giveaway. Democracy Shmnocracy, Bingo or Sudoku, that’s your political choice.

Government From The VIP Lounge

I find this story Jotman has strangely fascinating, he says-

Somchai, the new Thai prime minister, has set up an office inside Bangkok’s old international airport Don Mueang. He says it’s temporary, but the protesters occupying the grounds Government House are in no hurry to move. And neither the army nor the police seem to have the authority to move them.

Bangkok Post:- The nearby VIP lounge 2 will be used to receive his guests while the four remaining lounges will serve as his deputies’ offices. Next to his office block is a building with 33 rooms that once served as airline offices or meeting rooms for airport executives. They will be a new workplace for some 2,000 staff of the PM’s Office, while a meeting room on the fourth floor will be for cabinet sessions. ”The room is not elegant and stylish, but it’s clean and looks practical,” Mr Somchai said.

I think maybe he could start a trend, after all most government is basically a corporatist sham so why not lodge in luxury commercial real estate, make the relationship clear. Plus if things get dicey you can hop on a jet and be gone before the populace wonder where all their money has gone and generations to come are in debt to private financial institutions (for example, ahem). The overwhelming security of airports would also work to keep the governed away from the seat of power and let’s face it, what politician really wants to hang with the great unwashed? C’mon admit it to yourself, they just aren’t that into us.

They govern in the interests of the super rich elite and this way they would meet them regularly as they passed though on their global travels plotting & stealing the world’s capital. Although would the environment begin to affect policy in odd ways, would a minister for Starbucks and The Sock Shop be appointed? Will a War on Lost Luggage be implemented? Or over priced croissants (actually I could get behind that, cheeky profiteering motherfuckers)? But really it would be a perfect match, all the government departments housed in the relevant franchise stores where they would at last openly show their true allegiances, all public service reduced to for profit businesses overcharging a captive market. Is the airport a perfect metaphor for the end stages of neoliberalism? After all it too will be extinct when the oil runs out.

Posted in Capitalism, Corporatism. Tags: , . Comments Off on Government From The VIP Lounge

Fuk Da Kredit Krunch

It’s Saturday, the sea is becalmed, the doldrums lay heavy upon this humid Isle and it’s time to get my rant on. Fuck the credit crunch, what a bullshit meaningless term birthed in the fetid alien womb of PR speak politics. Fuck that shit. It’s a crisis of capitalism, of free market dogma, hey guess what- huge global unregulated markets decided in their unaccountable freedom and run by the already wealthy, they decided to be crooks, they faked up debt packages ignored warnings and fed their greed. It’s not a credit fucking crunch it’s the price of capitalist greed, the consequence of elite crime, so take your banal blameless phrase and stuff it up your economically moribund arse. Ignoring the reason for this only means once we have survived it…we’ll do it all over again.

Guess fucking what, if you have a social democracy with good welfare and progressives taxes the booms aren’t quite so good, but also the busts are not as bad, but no, not even that moderation is acceptable to the Church Of The Free Market. One less solid gold ball scratcher is far more immoral that a homeless person starving. These Friedmanite Taliban accept nothing but the unfettered liberty of capital to do as it will and by just an amazing coincidence this supposedly intellectually compelling theory just so happens to mean the rich get to be even richer. I wonder why it was embraced so enthusiastically, I’ll guess we’ll just never ever know, huh?

And while the proof the theories are utter bullshit that fail to account for hegemonic greed and the base dehumanisation of us into lonely selfish robots of enlightened rational market decisions (their model only works if the people within it act as psychopaths, hmmmm). While that proof stares us in the recession-tastic face, even now the fundamentalist are planning on taking this crisis and capitalising on it to push through even more extreme polices. Yeah maybe if the oligarchy get all the money some might trickle down this time, hey it’s worth a try, did I tell you my 17th home has a new jetway, yeah by the golf course? This just makes the race to the bottom even quicker, watch out China!

Fuck the credit crunch, the least we could do is have a competition (ooh they’ll like that) to find an even more facile term to lampoon our misery and let the guilty off the hook after all newspapers are already printing patronising how-to-make-more-money pieces (hey get an extra job, y’know after working 8 hours, and then 2 hours commute/prep so after working 10 hours -well 11 because lunch is at work you can’t chill at home-  go and do another job, problem solved!). So in place or in addition to the Krazeee Kredit Krunch, newspeak me this Batman-

  • Bill Bingo
  • The Job Shuffle
  • House Squeeze (that’s the new term for being made homeless)
  • Welfare Reform (already popular)
  • The Market Tingle
  • The Loan Spank
  • Mortgage Murmur
  • Money Drizzle
  • Vote Conservative

Mission accomplished New Labour, you have done what the US right wanted and destroyed Britain’s mainstream left wing party. Time for another (cold?) war.

‘Prisons create employment and they’re quiet neighbours’

So with that in mind, a final solution for the prison ‘issue’ – we just make every other house a prison, it’s frankly genius and I don’t mind saying so myself. No more troubling neighbours because every alternate house, every house/flat you would be next door to is a prison, plus the commute to work is really quick, it’s next door! Now of course we’d have to work out a few kinks, not everyone will want to work in the ‘corrections sector’ but those ‘individuals’ can work in the service sector for the wardens, this also completely solves the unemployment ‘issue’. If you’re a bad unemployed person (and let’s face it that’s most, almost by definition really – the conservative libertarian definition that just so happens to agree with corporate beliefs, what a lucky coincidence for our PFI entrepreneurship house/prison retrofit program- Save Your Community and Become Rich by Imprisoning Half of it! Liberty for Some!) you go into a prison and the few good welfare recipients enter the warder sector. It will reinvigorate the housing market, boarded up houses will once more be useful and the streets will be safe by virtue of being entirely empty.

Now you might be asking- won’t this mean basically half the population is in jail being overseen by the other half? And I say yes! Ah you say, but surely 30 million Britons are not guilty of crimes to which I say- Oh don’t worry, with all the laws now and the economic impetus for this project it’ll be no problem violating half the population into a guilty plea. Astute readers will of course be looking for how the wonders of the market & our exciting media saturated environment can aid this and it’s simple: With half the population being eyed up for jail time there’s going to be some fierce competition to be a warder not a prisoner, and what likes fierce competition more than the market. Families (and yes we must emphasise family values in our brave new prison culture, youth crime is a terrible stain on communities a middle aged man who went to Eton once told me) could advertise how law abiding they are, how pure they strive to be, the best campaigns are sure to result in warder status, those with little PR savvy can expect to have their collar felt.

Presiding over this will of course be Her Majesty’s Ministry of Justice, there’s no need for people who have nice houses on big plots of land to be involved as they are remote enough from their neighbours not to have problems. Also their commute would be longer and their BMW X5’s produce too much carbon (after all they take care to shop using canvas bags they bought on weekend breaks to Sorrento so it would be unfair to undo their hard planet saving work) so they are not involved. I know certain hard left extremists will say this is some kind of class war but hell, guess where they’ll all be? Next door under lock and key, Bing-fucking-O Trotsky!

Now Her Majesty’s government & the Ministry of Justice are sort of working in this area but so far have only taken the step of pushing through shopping mall prisons. They’re called Titan jails and they’re basically like a mega-mart out of town shopping centre for naughty criminals, very big and of course derided by everyone except the Ministry, the building firms who will make huge profits off them and the Police. The sort of namby pamby do-gooders who object to these mall jails (which will still not be enough to house all the people we increasingly want to deem criminal) can be first in the new neighbourhood jail program. Their crime? Well we are locking up people for support of terrorism on very flimsy evidence (non white and they can spell Al Qaeda and own no Andy McNabb books, hmm suspicious) so it should be no great leap to imply people who spend time with criminals (lawyers, visitors, health workers, teachers, social workers etc) are clearly in league with them (the Howard League!) and are supporting their nefarious agenda. Thank you War on Terror for showing us the way.

But what of inspections? Any civilised prison program needs some inspectorate to maintain standards. Well we already have obvious candidates, our wonderful tabloid media spend a great deal of time agonising over the dangerous effects of luxurious prison cells on their inhabitants (sitting down all day in a locked cell watching TV is a sedentary lifestyle likely to cause many health problems, answer- remove the TV. Some obsessive pacing up and down the six foot space will soon get that dally exercise requirement fulfilled). And so the new system will allow a prisoner (in the case of children, parents are allowed to help with the letter) to write to their citizen stake-holder neighbour warder, if this overseer thinks there is a dangerous case of over luxuriousness they will forward the letter to a tabloid newspaper who can then inspect the criminals cell and if they are being dangerously indulged can have more ‘corrective’ elements emphasised. The system is modeled on how complaints are dealt with in Border Agency jails, and it works a treat there, virtually zero complaints ever acted upon!

Environmentally this scheme is very sound, commuting a long distance will be over and the prisons already exist, we just need to put bars/steel plates over the window and brick up the back doors. (In fact looking at some householders’ security measures they have installed already… if that’s not ‘grassroots’ pre-approval of this program then I don’t know what is! At least that’s how we’ll spin it.) Then with a good solid steel front door the jail is ready, in fact the occupants having to move out while their house is refitted will have to fund their hotel stay, if they can’t they become vagrants and bingo, no lengthy trial needed (efficient on the spot sentencing is very much a part of the exciting go getting Olympian Britain) just shuffle them straight back into their former house -now prison- and job done (another advantage relatives and friends already know the address to write to!). Criminals kept off the street and homelessness solved. Immigration jails will follow the same plan but obviously (as now) require no sentencing , just lock ’em up. Some fine upstanding citizen public safety overseers will understandably prefer proper -white- British people in their jails, not swarthy foreigners, so those volunteering for immigrant duty get a weekly bonus and a free lifetime subscription to The Daily Express. It’s a win win win that’ll have them cheering in the aisles at the party conferences.

Now of course there is a danger that once half the population is jailed some of the other half might do something criminal (in fact I’m certain the laws will demand it!) so even with his ideal solution there could be a risk of overcrowding, that’s why we’ll need to reinstitute the death penalty. Again the inspector system run through News International and the Daily Mail will help in bringing this to fruition and from then on numbers can be kept in check by executing serious offenders. When I say serious offenders of course that will have to be determined by the Ministry of Justice, there’ll be little problem convincing the Big Brother conditioned audience of the need to string up pedos and murderers but that might not keep the numbers down enough. Just to be safe we will need to make more crimes a capital offence, possibly a public vote on what those should be could be. Simon Cowell can host it and each week we can execute 3 people guilty of a different crime and the execution the people like the most makes that crime a capital offence. By the end of a 12 week run we will have 12 new offences which demand an automatic death penalty, the text & online voting alone will pay for the cost of the show, a win win for the Chancellor. If this really takes off we will enter what shall be called Justice for All (possibly with music by Andrew Lloyd Webber).

Eventually the jail next door strategy combined with a healthy capital punishment regime will lead to empty prisons which may become dilapidated over time, this offence to civic pride cannot go unpunished and associated warders must be held responsible. At last the Titan jails come in handy where only a handful of faithful staff can imprison hundreds of anti social ex-warders. Soon we can incarcerate the majority of the population with only a small band of loyal staff to control them.

But what of Great Britain’s economic standing in the world? These selfish crooks threaten to derail our economy so in order to pay for their humane imprisonment they will be expected to work, and who better to run these business opportunities than those with a proven track record of successful corporate globalisation, contracts shall be awarded to exciting and ambitious corporations (BAE, Nike, Microsoft, HSBC, Matalan! Etc.) and soon China will no longer be the only ‘worlds workshop’. But what of the vast empty spaces where once the neighbourhood jail estates flourished, in project ‘Regeneration’ they’ll be demolished and the land given over to the National Trust and Tesco Farm Inc. to grow food for the inmate population. Better yet our glorious heritage of large country houses can expand as responsible land owners have no fear of nearby ‘chavvy’ neighbours and can open up to weekend tours by weary Titan staff wanting a glimpse of ‘the good life’. I’m not saying this will be easy, or there won’t be setbacks but don’t we owe it to our children (and yes we’ll have little striped uniforms, they’ll look so cute) at least to try?

Dear “Respect Czar” Louise Casey

Thank you for your recent guidance on the need for politeness in British society however I do not recall reading about the level of politeness demonstrated by lying a country into war. You see while I need no guidance on giving up a seat for a pregnant lady, or not becoming uncontrollably drunk and fighting & swearing in the street, or tossing litter, I do feel I need some guidance on how to politely murder what must now be 1 millon Iraqis.

Maybe it’s just me, but after a pretty thorough catholic upbringing I ultimately became an apostate, I found no evidence of the God I was being told to worship. So you see I don’t have the benefit of going to a church which perhaps (as you posit) could show me how to be polite and decent, perhaps they could show me how to be polite and decent about using napalm on Fallujah, or torturing taxi drivers to death for fun. Although I fear they may not be so polite to my friends with their insistence on not being heterosexual, perhaps you could could give me some guidance on how to be respectful there.

Maybe if I would watch more TV then I may be able to see a soap opera that would take up your challenge to demonstrate that life is not all gloom and misery and that it was ok to be decent. Perhaps they could show a political leadership tried and convicted of war crimes for lying a country into war to show how decency should triumph. That certainly would make a change from the bed hopping and spitefulness so prevalent in popular serial ‘drama’ and which you find so unpleasant. Of course the need to pursue audience share with prurient shows is pushed by the ‘free market’ which your party does so encourage. I am becoming confused, am I missing the decency and respect for its supporters in the ‘Labour’ party becoming a conservative one? Or am I getting too far ‘back to basics’?

So thank you for your timely advocacy for a more caring, polite, decent and respectful society. But apart from my filthy mouth and unkempt ideas of not lying a country into a war that has killed a million people, I feel I have no trouble in being polite and decent, I even hold ideas of honour and integrity close to my heart. Which is why Ms. Casey I suggest you look somewhat closer to home to find the source of many of your concerns, perhaps consider the idea that from a rotten tree poisonous fruit will grow. And while many are able to make up there own minds over matters of ethics the influence on the weak willed of rich and powerful leaders lying a country into war and committing the supreme crime (as defined by the Nuremberg tribunal while trying the Nazi regime) is troubling. So perhaps you could show them the way by ensuring a swift and fair trial of this country’s leading politicians and their staff who committed this crime. I certainly would have some respect for that.

Yours Respectfully


Bush Fails To Be Assassinated By His Own Stupidity

It’s incredible he’s even incompetent at being dangerously dumb- Ford CEO Alan Mulally sees Bush is going to plug the POWER cord into the HYDROGEN tank, and stops him (and fuck me isn’t that Cheney behind him?) give me strength :-

Mulally told journalists at the New York auto show that he intervened to prevent President Bush from plugging an electrical cord into the hydrogen tank of Ford’s hydrogen-electric plug-in hybrid at the White House last week. Ford wanted to give the Commander-in-Chief an actual demonstration of the innovative vehicle, so the automaker arranged for an electrical outlet to be installed on the South Lawn and ran a charging cord to the hybrid.-

Blair ‘should die behind bars’

The Lord Chancellor Lord Falconer has suggested that Iraq murderer Tony Blair should die in jail because the “public would expect that”. In a Sunday Telegraph interview, he said Blair was among a category of killers who should never be freed.

Society requires “retribution” in such cases and needs to have confidence in the criminal justice system, he added. The Lord Chancellor’s remarks come after a row prompted by the Lord Chief Justice’s support for an end to mandatory life terms for murderers.”There will be some people who I think should stay in prison for the rest of their natural life,” Lord Falconer told the paper.

“They should still stay in because the heinousness of their crime means that the public would expect that. (Lord Phillips) referred to geriatric lifers – well, there will be some and I think if you want confidence in the system that’s got to be the position.” He said they were “three obvious examples” of people who should never be released. “It is both because of dangerousness but it also because society does require retribution in those sorts of cases and if it doesn’t get it then people will not be confident of the criminal justice system.”

Using the ‘replace’ tool and some editing can be fun.Original here.

Ehren Watada Case A Mistrial

They wouldn’t let him talk about the war’s legality, but his defence didn’t wimp out so the ‘judge’ pulls the plug. New court martial scheduled for 19th March.

-“I admire your courageous and moral stand,” South African Nobel peace prize laureate Desmond Tutu wrote on a website set up by supporters of the soldier.- 

Posted in Miscellaneous. Tags: , . Comments Off on Ehren Watada Case A Mistrial

Wot, No Gay Dad?


The Church Of The Anus Of Christ has some new members over at ‘Love God’s Way’ (I’m not linking to it because, well y’know, they’re idiots. They love The Right Brother’s who sing – Bush was right, stop global whining & enemy within- they iz nice nazi boys) who have compiled a list of dangerously gay pop stars that might destroy the world or something. The long, unorganised and sloppily edited list is puzzling indeed and I include some picks and my comments below, apparently bigots don’t understand alphabetising or spread sheets.

The Spores (endorse suicide): Suicide is gay now? What will us depressed straights do?
Ravi Shankar: Endless solos, he’s still playing a song he started in 1969.
Wilco: What is Billy Bragg up to these days?
Bjork: Really not gay and I’m not just saying that ‘cos I live in hope, Icelandic chicks are hot!
Tech N9ne: You see there’s a 9 instead of an ‘i’ clever, it’s also a gun.
Ghostface Killah: Ghost Dog is Jim Jarmusch’s best movie (Broken Flowers a close second, then there’s a real big drop off).
The String Cheese Incident: I don’t know who they are and string cheese disturbs me.
Eagles of Death Metal: Janeane Garofalo really fancied their lead singer, I wonder if they got it on *jealous*.
Interpol: They have a song called PDA, it’s great, maybe they’ll make an album called iPhone now.
Tegan and Sara : Tegan was my favourite Dr Who assistant.
Le Tigre
: Apparently there is a stereotype of lesbians being bad dancers, what?
The Doors: Val Kilmer’s gay?
Queen: I used to live round the corner to Freddie’s pad, he never tried to fuck me, true story.
The Strokes: Is this an ‘overrated’ list?
Morrissey(?questionable?): Questionable? In a good way, fanboy clones are sad though.
The Pet Shop Boys: Go West young man.
Metallica: Well they entered the Sandman,
Judas Priest: Halford!
The Village People: in the Navy…
The Rolling Stones: Sympathy for the Anal? Performance is such a great film, Roeg, Cammell and BAD’s E =MC2 samples it so well too and Jean luc Goddard made a film with them, but why is Mick such a wanker now?
David Bowie: Is probably God, so get worshipping now you religious wackos.
Frankie Goes to Hollywood: Welcome to the Pleasuredome, I love Trevor Horn production.
Jay-Z: On the down low?
Depeche Mode: Is it the French name?
Kansas: What is the matter with Kansas?
Rufus Wainwright: Well duh!
Ani DiFranco: You go girl!
Fischerspooner: Overated but still a funny appearance on TOTP.
John Mayer: Is this the guy who plays at Macworld?
Velvet Underground: Are you just trying to prove gender ambiguity and sexual experimentation are good for art? Because its working.
Madonna: Corporate US imperial artistic vacuum, will be her next 5 stolen adopted kids.
Barry Manilow: Copa Cabana is simply a great song. There I said it.
Indigo Girls: Are in this twice, is it ‘cos they’re a duo?
Melissa Etheridge: Did Lou Diamond Philips send you this one?
Eminmen: Is that spelt right? Hmm?
Nirvana: Keeping up on the latest crazes aren’t you?
Boy George: And Kirk Brandon sent you this one.
Motorhead: Don’t poke the Lemmy.
Jill Sobule:
I’d give her my jetpack.
Wilson Phillips: And they split up when?
Lisa Loeb: Fake glasses I heard.
Ted Nugent (loincloth)
: This is the one all the Lib blogs picked up on, he loves his guns, so he’s sublimating something.
Dogstar: Did Keanu send you this?
Lil’ Kim: No talent midget.
kd lang: Oh, so the ‘d’ stands for dyke.
Frank Sinatra: Ole blue eyes liked the one brown eye?
Nickleback: In every sense of the word, huh?
Bob Mould: I liked my Sugar. ‘Standing on the Edge of the Hoover Dam’; Damn!
Clay Aiken
: Cowell stooge, now Cowell..
Arcade Fire: I liked that single.
Bright Eyes: Take that Leno! (Was actually the title of the first single I owned, bunnies!).
Red Hot Chilli Peppers: Like the Stones they have had more sex than a flock of prostitutes (who are a much less well known band).
Elton John(really gay): He’s in it twice, is that because he’s bisexual?

UPDATE: Jesus General may have a hand in getting Nugent on the list, plus the wackos are using this to get publicity for their shitty music, so laugh but ignore.

UPDATE UPDATE: “Pastor Donnie Davies” has been exposed as Dallas-area actor Joey Oglesby .

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War Pimping Beneath The Waves

A Russian Admiral adds to the known naval build up in the Persian Gulf:

-“The presence of U.S. nuclear submarines in the Persian Gulf region means that the Pentagon has not abandoned plans for surprise strikes against nuclear targets in Iran. With this aim a group of multi-purpose submarines ready to accomplish the task is located in the area,” Admiral Baltin said.-

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