So with that in mind, a final solution for the prison ‘issue’ – we just make every other house a prison, it’s frankly genius and I don’t mind saying so myself. No more troubling neighbours because every alternate house, every house/flat you would be next door to is a prison, plus the commute to work is really quick, it’s next door! Now of course we’d have to work out a few kinks, not everyone will want to work in the ‘corrections sector’ but those ‘individuals’ can work in the service sector for the wardens, this also completely solves the unemployment ‘issue’. If you’re a bad unemployed person (and let’s face it that’s most, almost by definition really – the conservative libertarian definition that just so happens to agree with corporate beliefs, what a lucky coincidence for our PFI entrepreneurship house/prison retrofit program- Save Your Community and Become Rich by Imprisoning Half of it! Liberty for Some!) you go into a prison and the few good welfare recipients enter the warder sector. It will reinvigorate the housing market, boarded up houses will once more be useful and the streets will be safe by virtue of being entirely empty.
Now you might be asking- won’t this mean basically half the population is in jail being overseen by the other half? And I say yes! Ah you say, but surely 30 million Britons are not guilty of crimes to which I say- Oh don’t worry, with all the laws now and the economic impetus for this project it’ll be no problem violating half the population into a guilty plea. Astute readers will of course be looking for how the wonders of the market & our exciting media saturated environment can aid this and it’s simple: With half the population being eyed up for jail time there’s going to be some fierce competition to be a warder not a prisoner, and what likes fierce competition more than the market. Families (and yes we must emphasise family values in our brave new prison culture, youth crime is a terrible stain on communities a middle aged man who went to Eton once told me) could advertise how law abiding they are, how pure they strive to be, the best campaigns are sure to result in warder status, those with little PR savvy can expect to have their collar felt.
Presiding over this will of course be Her Majesty’s Ministry of Justice, there’s no need for people who have nice houses on big plots of land to be involved as they are remote enough from their neighbours not to have problems. Also their commute would be longer and their BMW X5’s produce too much carbon (after all they take care to shop using canvas bags they bought on weekend breaks to Sorrento so it would be unfair to undo their hard planet saving work) so they are not involved. I know certain hard left extremists will say this is some kind of class war but hell, guess where they’ll all be? Next door under lock and key, Bing-fucking-O Trotsky!
Now Her Majesty’s government & the Ministry of Justice are sort of working in this area but so far have only taken the step of pushing through shopping mall prisons. They’re called Titan jails and they’re basically like a mega-mart out of town shopping centre for naughty criminals, very big and of course derided by everyone except the Ministry, the building firms who will make huge profits off them and the Police. The sort of namby pamby do-gooders who object to these mall jails (which will still not be enough to house all the people we increasingly want to deem criminal) can be first in the new neighbourhood jail program. Their crime? Well we are locking up people for support of terrorism on very flimsy evidence (non white and they can spell Al Qaeda and own no Andy McNabb books, hmm suspicious) so it should be no great leap to imply people who spend time with criminals (lawyers, visitors, health workers, teachers, social workers etc) are clearly in league with them (the Howard League!) and are supporting their nefarious agenda. Thank you War on Terror for showing us the way.
But what of inspections? Any civilised prison program needs some inspectorate to maintain standards. Well we already have obvious candidates, our wonderful tabloid media spend a great deal of time agonising over the dangerous effects of luxurious prison cells on their inhabitants (sitting down all day in a locked cell watching TV is a sedentary lifestyle likely to cause many health problems, answer- remove the TV. Some obsessive pacing up and down the six foot space will soon get that dally exercise requirement fulfilled). And so the new system will allow a prisoner (in the case of children, parents are allowed to help with the letter) to write to their citizen stake-holder neighbour warder, if this overseer thinks there is a dangerous case of over luxuriousness they will forward the letter to a tabloid newspaper who can then inspect the criminals cell and if they are being dangerously indulged can have more ‘corrective’ elements emphasised. The system is modeled on how complaints are dealt with in Border Agency jails, and it works a treat there, virtually zero complaints ever acted upon!
Environmentally this scheme is very sound, commuting a long distance will be over and the prisons already exist, we just need to put bars/steel plates over the window and brick up the back doors. (In fact looking at some householders’ security measures they have installed already… if that’s not ‘grassroots’ pre-approval of this program then I don’t know what is! At least that’s how we’ll spin it.) Then with a good solid steel front door the jail is ready, in fact the occupants having to move out while their house is refitted will have to fund their hotel stay, if they can’t they become vagrants and bingo, no lengthy trial needed (efficient on the spot sentencing is very much a part of the exciting go getting Olympian Britain) just shuffle them straight back into their former house -now prison- and job done (another advantage relatives and friends already know the address to write to!). Criminals kept off the street and homelessness solved. Immigration jails will follow the same plan but obviously (as now) require no sentencing , just lock ’em up. Some fine upstanding citizen public safety overseers will understandably prefer proper -white- British people in their jails, not swarthy foreigners, so those volunteering for immigrant duty get a weekly bonus and a free lifetime subscription to The Daily Express. It’s a win win win that’ll have them cheering in the aisles at the party conferences.
Now of course there is a danger that once half the population is jailed some of the other half might do something criminal (in fact I’m certain the laws will demand it!) so even with his ideal solution there could be a risk of overcrowding, that’s why we’ll need to reinstitute the death penalty. Again the inspector system run through News International and the Daily Mail will help in bringing this to fruition and from then on numbers can be kept in check by executing serious offenders. When I say serious offenders of course that will have to be determined by the Ministry of Justice, there’ll be little problem convincing the Big Brother conditioned audience of the need to string up pedos and murderers but that might not keep the numbers down enough. Just to be safe we will need to make more crimes a capital offence, possibly a public vote on what those should be could be. Simon Cowell can host it and each week we can execute 3 people guilty of a different crime and the execution the people like the most makes that crime a capital offence. By the end of a 12 week run we will have 12 new offences which demand an automatic death penalty, the text & online voting alone will pay for the cost of the show, a win win for the Chancellor. If this really takes off we will enter what shall be called Justice for All (possibly with music by Andrew Lloyd Webber).
Eventually the jail next door strategy combined with a healthy capital punishment regime will lead to empty prisons which may become dilapidated over time, this offence to civic pride cannot go unpunished and associated warders must be held responsible. At last the Titan jails come in handy where only a handful of faithful staff can imprison hundreds of anti social ex-warders. Soon we can incarcerate the majority of the population with only a small band of loyal staff to control them.
But what of Great Britain’s economic standing in the world? These selfish crooks threaten to derail our economy so in order to pay for their humane imprisonment they will be expected to work, and who better to run these business opportunities than those with a proven track record of successful corporate globalisation, contracts shall be awarded to exciting and ambitious corporations (BAE, Nike, Microsoft, HSBC, Matalan! Etc.) and soon China will no longer be the only ‘worlds workshop’. But what of the vast empty spaces where once the neighbourhood jail estates flourished, in project ‘Regeneration’ they’ll be demolished and the land given over to the National Trust and Tesco Farm Inc. to grow food for the inmate population. Better yet our glorious heritage of large country houses can expand as responsible land owners have no fear of nearby ‘chavvy’ neighbours and can open up to weekend tours by weary Titan staff wanting a glimpse of ‘the good life’. I’m not saying this will be easy, or there won’t be setbacks but don’t we owe it to our children (and yes we’ll have little striped uniforms, they’ll look so cute) at least to try?