The Human Centipede Model For Leadership In A Hung Parliament

Human Centipede is a schlock horror movie whereby a mad doctor who specialises in separating conjoined twins creates a… The clue’s in the title, he surgically attaches three hapless victims together, anus to mouth, to form an organism with one digestive tract, biologically implausible as that may be. Nevertheless such high concept body horror meets torture porn hijinks is doing its job causing sensation and gasps of horror which should translate into a healthy profit for the producers. It’s not called Showart, it’s Showbusiness people! Here below is the mad doctor with a helpful diagram for victims and viewers on his overhead projector (this immediately sets off alarm bells as to his competence, it’s 2010, Keynote, Powerpoint? Hello?)-

I say Cameron for the -worst- middle position, after all he already has that shit-eating grin…Clegg for front and Brown bringing up the rear, with Miliband following with the bucket & spade and a Look, you’ve punished us enough about Iraq, all right? So don’t start punishing yourself.’ T-shirt.

The question then arises for the consensus state, could this creature be mated with a suitable female host to produce a new super race of neoliberal politician? Or are plans already afoot?

An antidote to such horror.

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Stereotyped Conspiracy Myths & Their Uses

Many are attracted to the relaxing & fashionable casual attire while playing with a large horn.

After my comment I thought it best to expand based on a personal story-

It began innocently enough, a small slice of emmental in the corner of the fridge, who could object to some tasty fermented dairy product (well ok vegans but nevermind). Then an old cuckoo clock from an elderly relative found its way onto my wall, fair enough we all need to tell the time. For practical matters a multi-bladed penknife multi-tool is ideal so no objections were raised when the handy pocket implement made an appearance. Then needing to launder some proceeds from drug smuggling, child pornography and arms sales, a secret and private bank account was called for, a solution presented itself. Soon the profits and my tax avoidance allowed for overpriced skiing holidays and yodelling lessons, it all seemed so innocent. I even found myself particularly enjoying the finale of the Sound of Music. But then an offhanded cryptic comment from an acquaintance as he made to leave for his Nazi gold appreciation society- Had I ever thought of the of joining the Swiss Caliphate? What did he mean? Puzzled, that night I lay awake tossing and turning (stop that), then with a dawning realisation the horror crept throuhg my whole body. I dropped the executive model penknife with scissors I was idly trimming my fingernails with, rushed to the fridge and yes, there was the sliver of emmental balefully glaring back at me, but by now it was joined by half a kilo of gruyère, some raclette and a slab of appenzeller. Tripping over my skis I yodelled in surprise as my head hit the floor only regaining consciousness with the mechanical cuckoo-ing of the clock, checking the time by my Swatch, yes, it was accurate. Yet the nightmare I had awakened to continued, I ran to the computer, searched for help and eureka, a solution was at hand, like garlic and stakes to a vampire the menace of the Swiss could be counteracted with minarets. I telephoned my local Islamic architect and set the plans in motion and before long a low minaret of a Tatar aspect filled most of my flat, I was safe. So dear reader I urge you to be vigilant, the Swiss will not rest until they control the planet, keep a minaret at hand at all times and foreswear the over hyped cheese, over priced watches and crime enabling banking.

I can only hope our government informs the populace of this menace and a referendum is held to allow such important factual matters to be addressed. It is the only sane and informed thing to do and not at all pandering to reactionary fantasies constructed to facilitate further bigoted oppression…or anything.

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Early Pilot For BBC’s Treatment Of The BNP

Under Mark Thompson (now there’s a mental image to run screaming from), BBC history repeats itself, first as satire then as policy. Hmmmmm.

Meanwhile, oh no, more leaks than a sieve and while this is a bit underhand… I mean really if you are ashamed of being a hateful nazi then…d’you think that might be telling you something? I would recommend this for the reality of what the BNP contributes to (the BBC giveth and it taketh away).

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Stephen Colbert’s Satire Mimics Justin Webb’s Actual Reporting

Remember this…cue wavy lines signifying a flashback as I myself-

Never one to leave hitherto undiscovered shallows alone the Beeb’s own emissary to Washington Justin Webb (nice but dim, actually not even that nice but makes up with extra dimness, bless) latches onto the stupidest right wing scam since Obama won, wingnuts are suggesting his victory means people of colour can no longer claim ‘victimhood’ or racism has aflicted them. Yes, because a black president means all racism has instantly been extinguished throughout American society…

And now Mr Colbert playing his fictional alter ego of a right wing fool…

Comedy Central’s Stephen Colbert [click for video] wants to proclaim that “Racism is Over,” and he celebrated that victory on Thursday with a cascade of uniformly pale gray balloons.

“Obama’s election is just the latest of many victories for a new generation of African-American leaders,” Colbert explained, “like Newark Mayor Cory Booker, Alabama Congressman Artur Davis, Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick, and Justice League President-Elect Black Lightning — who beat Aqua-Man, after the failure of his slogan, ‘Yes we clam.'”

“Some say these victories shouldn’t be lumped together … but I say they won because Racisim Is Over!” Colbert claimed as balloons rained down on his head.

So just what do you do when your actual serous work is demonstrably a ludicrous joke? Move to ITV?

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Blair Does A Blair

No, the other one. Jumping ahead of a push the Godfather of the Met Crime Family has done one. There will be rending of garments and gnashing of teeth but the truth is it’s not about any dodgy deals, institutional racism and the high profile case about to erupt or his extra judicial executions. The power in London that had his back went when Livingstone lost. (Fuzz) ‘Sir’ Blair was a NL fave, if he still had support from the top table all his dirty dealings being exposed would be ignored as they were up until now. That there are scandals and this can be mentioned with his leaving enables the myth that we have accountable policing, no this is simply raw power politics, his support from on high waned so he’s gone. It would be nice to think his crapulosity caught up with him but we’d be kidding ourselves, it’s power, it’s gangs and tribes. Can’t wait to see the walking atrocity Boris & Jacqui likes for the job. The contenders-

  • Sir Paul Stephenson odds on favourite-Tesco & Ulster (huh?).
  • Lord Oswald Mussolini 7/2- Much fancied for his Taser Safe London drive whereby every citizen has a taser locked around their neck and police officers can dial up people’s numbers to activate the shock collar. He pleased conservative environmentalists by ensuring the devices would be recharged from renewable energy. For a surcharge on your ID card of £7,500 p.a. you can be exempted from the SafeCollar ™.
  • Oberlieutenant Jerry Windsor 15/1 – Drew criticism for requesting his firearms officers kept the safety engaged on their submachine guns even when Muslims were sighted, preferring a cheaper baton charge technique. His soft on terror approach is in contrast to his staunch opposition to drug liberalisation recently voicing his belief Haliborange was a gateway drug. Favours a return of the death penalty for ‘tarts’ & ‘oiks’.
  • Wing Commander Cressida Dick 50/3 – Admired for maintaining the code of silence around the De Menezes killing and nominated for a Orange prize for her creative report writing, described by one terrified subordinate as ‘Melanie Phillips with a badge’, before they disappeared. Has some good Oxbridge credentials but nevertheless is a woman and therefore just plain wrong and also cannot be trusted not to blab about that special Border Agency ‘salon’ where senior male officers relieve their tensions.
  • Under Commissioner Tariq Token 25/1 – Currently under investigation for possession of melanin and some serious bribery allegations, it is claimed large payments were made into his personal bank account every month, when he pointed out this was his salary from the Met he was suspended for insubordination. Nevertheless is still expected to report for photo ops to show ‘diversity’ whenever the rank & file beat another black person to death.
  • Grand Moff Derek Griffin 117/4 – Not in any way related to Nick Griffin except by birth mother. After many years running Special Branch’s mysterious ‘Taig Re-education camp’ in Ulster. He won many fans in the media as Chief Constable of Rutland with his zero tolerance policing and colourful braces. Wherever he has served crime has dropped dramatically, as has the population, his wife (popular TV chef Dereka Griffin-Boyne) runs a nationwide chain of crematoria.
  • Sepuchral Master Constable James Blünt 14/0.15367 – Very much a new generation of progressive policemen with strong ties to prominent New Labour ministers. Headed the ACPO investigation of rendition flights concluding he found no proof aeroplanes exist or had ever been invented. Enjoys skiing, kayaking and ignorance, has worked closely with Israeli security professionals to evolve the national police strategy for dealing with human rights terrorism. Will be giving evidence in support of 142 day detention, tactical assassinations and house demolitions to the commons select committee on tyranny democracy.
  • OmniVue Panopti-Dredd X2000 π/1 – This state of the art cctv camera lays claim to national experience in controlling populations and intimidating the public, not only does it listen and speak to crimino-terro-citizens it has a six barreled minigun (4,000 rounds of justice per minute) attached for force compliance. Could be the surprise choice with its pithy soundbites of ‘Assimilate’, ‘Long live the New Flesh’ & ‘Daisy, Daisy’. Its squadrons of drones already deployed in the skies over Britain demonstrate what a protective and wise overlord it will be. There’s nothing to be afraid of. It’s painless. It’s good. Come. Sleep.

Porn, Coke…Bailout!

GodlessLiberalHomo is investing in comedy gold, he says-

A Day in the Life of a Typical Wall St. Exec or Broker

Wall St. firms try to create this image of solidity and rectitude. However, having lived in NYC for a while, this is the image I have gotten of these people.

7:00-8:00 AM
Arrive at office. Eat free breakfast provided by employer. Skim quickly over financial sites.

8:00-10:00 AM
Snort coke and masturbate to Internet porn.

10:00 AM – 12:00 Noon
Make sales calls (broker). Attend meeting (executive).

12:00 Noon – 2:00 PM
Have long lunch with several alcoholic beverages with Wall St. colleagues.

2:00 – 4:00 PM
Snort coke and masturbate to Internet porn. Make an occasional trade to look busy. Fill out form to get reimbursed for lunch.

4:00 PM – 5:00 PM
Make sales calls (broker). Attend meeting (executive).

5:00 – 7:00 PM
Snort coke and masturbate to Internet porn. Take short breaks to eat free food provided by employer.

7:00 PM – 8:00 PM
Sober up somewhat on train to suburbs.

Friday! Fry & Laurie- Young Tory of the Year

Here we go…

And a blast from even further past: Not The 9 O’Clock News- Conservative Conference (and yes it is quite offensive, but so are Tories)

Evil Twin Jesus: The 13th Disciple

This might explain the christianist dominionists, they are signed up to the evil twin-

German filmmaker Robert Sigl’s “The 13th Disciple” is still in the planning stage but producer Mario Stefan is in India’s western tourist state of Goa trying to attract an Indian co-producer for the project.

“It’s a fantasy-adventure film and takes place completely in present-day India,” Stefan said on the sidelines of the 38th International Film Festival of India, which opened over the weekend.

The story traces the journey of two German archaeologists looking for evidence that Jesus visited India. The researchers, who are twins themselves, find that Jesus had an evil twin brother who is reincarnated in the present as the scheming head of a religious sect. (ht2 Defamer)

Genius, as long as wildly silly crap movies like this get made, there may be hope for the human race. I reckon this project is go, hell I want to see it already. Fuck the paltry €5 million budget, this baby has buzz, go for at least $150m, this is going international, the protests from evangelicals alone will mean virtually free promotion. I smell Oscars, this is gonna be huge! Throw some alien robot ghosts in there (never hurts) and of course the evil twin’s girlfriend falls for the hero…while pregnant…sequel! Kerching!

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“And now the Leader of the House must kneel before the valet’s bare buttocks and warble like a jackdaw. And there he goes, quite a shrill warble this year, and here’s the leader of Her Majesty’s opposition masturbating the squirrel (Anthony Eden of course was renowned for being particularly adept at this), and now Black Rod covers him in semolina, which symbolises the hanging of the Earl of Semolina in 1667 for playing badminton with a Catholic.”

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Gisele Bündchen Possesses WMD

Gisele Bündchen is said to be keen to avoid the US currency because of uncertainty over its strength. The Brazilian, thought to have earned about $30m in the year to June, prefers to be paid in euros, her sister and manager told the Bloomberg news agency.

When will this evil threat to America be confronted? Somebody think of the children!

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Friday! Chris Morris: Jam- Stupid People

Seemed appropriate.

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Blog Censorship In The UK

From Chicken Yoghurt-

Tim Ireland’s Bloggerheads site is currently down after his webhost pulled the plug. You can thank the latest Russian (that should be Uzbek) billionaire to reach the UK. The details will come out in due course.

This also means that the family of websites that Tim and Clive (whose site is also down) look after are also currently AWOL. So if you’re missing the online presences of Craig Murray, Bob Piper or Boris Johnson, now you know why they’ve gone.

Tim and Clive are now looking for a new web home for themselves and the rest and are hoping to be back within 48 hours. If any sympathetic souls would help spread the word, it would be most appreciated.

Now I am not remotely interested in football, hence I have not been overly worked up about this oligarch buying some business designed to fleece people for watching millionaires play a child’s game. However I really don’t like rich people using lawyers to enforce censorship, but it must be said that the allegations against Alisher Usmanov are completely unfounded. He is not a pig eyed sack of shit who does it with dead badgers, nor does he smell of rancid piss and have the dress sense of a retarded geography teacher. Using his billions to pay a fine firm of lawyers to close down bloggers is absolutely a noble pursuit and certainly him and all those lawyers should be commended on their excitingly authoritarian values. Anyone who says they are money grubbing weasels who don’t deserve to be pissed on even if they were on fire is clearly completely wrong and is the sort of person who Google’s – Craig Murray Usmanov – and reads the third result down. Obviously such lowlife thinks this fine litigious billionaire is a sleazy cretin who fancies his own mum, how wrong they would be! Best of all it confirms the law as an instrument of control wielded by the wealthy, which is of course a fine principle held by all right thinking people & lawyers who are absolutely not imbecilic Neanderthals, a conversation with whom would be less preferable than gargling cold diarrhoea whilst listening to Paris Hilton singing Britney covers. Have I made myself clear?

Friday! Fry & Laurie- Sexual Intercourse

“It’s very hard for you to believe isn’t it? It’s very hard for you to believe, that there are still some of us who can bring a child into this world without recourse to cannabis & government handouts!”

Mmmmm Sulphur

A wave of spam comments have hit in the last 24 hours, steps are being taken, just ignore them, I will periodically delete them. However one comment came from an anonymous source, not even an ip, I found it strangely disturbing yet compelling and although this seems ridiculous I could swear there was a whiff of sulphur and apple pie as I read it. So I post it here in full:-

Hi, how you doin’? Me? Busy busy. See I been spending a lot of time sneaking up on civilians then shooting them dead, of course sometimes that’s a little too labour intensive so I use a nice big car bomb, Ka-boom! Dead easy and loads of death. There are a few other notable techniques, like paying and training disturbed young people to torture and kill civilians so their actions then terrorise your victim’s further, takes a fair bit of cash I can tell you. Now strictly speaking I should not be telling you all this, you see what us terrorist masterminds do is use the principle of deniability. We always sow enough doubt, or make sure the trigger man is once removed from direct connection to us. Best of all is to outwardly and continuously pledge allegiance to principles of equality and justice, that way peoples own credulous minds become a weapon to destroy any suspicions about one’s activities. But don’t mistake that for a minute, no, no. Fact is I just can’t resist great big bloody messes of limbs, guts and brains, it gives me a thrill which frankly sex cannot even touch. And it always has, I mean at some point I suppose it had a rationale, personal gain, profit or whatever, but now I just don’t know any other way.

The wonderful thing is I just will never ever be brought to account, just name some famous mass murderers- Jack the Ripper, Hitler, John Wayne Gacy, Stalin and even Bush. Y’see you just came up with names of people, not even close to identifying me. Consequently one becomes a little…arrogant, yeah I’m happy to admit that, in fact I don’t care, want to criticise me? I’ll rape your mother with a broken bottle in front of you then have her gnaw your balls off on the promise that if she does, you can both live, and if I’m feeling really mean- I’ll keep that promise. Arrogant actually is a long time ago, over confidence is a concept that doesn’t apply either, fact is I am pretty well a God, I have power of life and death over all humanity and millions worship me unquestioningly. Which is why I feel confident I can say this, “Cuba, Iran, North Korea, Sudan & Syria are all state sponsors of terrorism”.

Okay, so given what I have previously told you that sentence does seem outrageously hypocritical, in fact that doesn’t really even begin to touch it, frankly words are not enough to describe a mass murderer taking the moral high ground over others, and that’s not even the half of it! No! I’m only saying they are so you’ll cheer me when I murder me some more of them bastards! Fuck yeah. Look at me! All authoritative on who is right and who is wrong even while I clean the shreds of vagina off my razor (it’s ok, she was just collateral). And what gives me a real thrill is the mechanical repeating of every fetid lie I spout, echoing around the earth at the speed light. Nevermind some question it, but simply by my uttering it, whatever inanity, whatever transparent lie, whatever, WHATEVER! It is reported to the world simply because I am so important, I will never, never ever be ignored. Certainly I will never, ever be subject to the same judgement I make on everyone else! Hilarious!

Deny me all you like but my words pound into your mind from a million sources. The really good bit is, slowly, ever so slowly, imperceptibly even, they begin to find purchase and sooner or later, you’ll be mine. I hear there are some hold outs, excellent! It helps support my other lies- free speech, democracy, freedom, equality, all those buzz words for the bleeding hearts that buy me so much credit. Why do people lie? Because it works. Bless ‘em so many people have a default setting that gives the benefit of the doubt, that if someone is willing to speak those words there must some truth in them, priceless. Works just every time.

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Best Joke Ever About Science, Religion & Humanity.


It’s close to my favourite silly joke, which is –
What’s the difference between a Dog? One of it’s legs is the same.

Oh suit yourself.

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