A Statement On My Expenses

Released today via my solicitor NAME REDACTED

As I’m sure many of you know it’s not all lavish parties and hedonistic excess for a blogger, the money one makes is paltry. If you choose to be paid to blog (ticking the –Pay- box in your WP dashboard) you receive a mere £65,000 annually, this is barely helped by £100,000 or so in expenses the average blogger claims. All in all most of us squeak by on a miserly annual figure below £200,000 (below– for tax purposes, not ‘below’ as in the accepted meaning of the English word, all further enquiries should be directed towards- TP Holdings, Suite 87,349, Cayman Islands, Jupiter. *note this address does not correspond to an actual postal address and no phone, fax or email details will be given). Of course outside directorships and other ancillary jobs, sometimes requiring as much as 1 day a month can provide some extra cash, a few hundred thousand here and there but who can live on that?

The Media

Now recently the jealous sorts in the traditional media have been making a fuss that we are paid too much, well au contraire mes ami as the Norwegians say…they are merely jealous of our immense power and the high regard we are held in by ‘The World’. While many mainstream journalists were gently running their tongues over the nether regions of leading politicians, bloggers pointed out the New Labour Government had committed a huge war crime and the evil offenders are now all safely in jail for life. Can you imagine the slaughter if they were still roaming free? Oh it just doesn’t bear thinking about. It is this vital work that commands the rewards, that while clearly a mere pittance, are according to the muck raking press- a huge and unearned pot of lovely moolah that we are abusing fraudulently in a show of utter disdain for 99% of the population who have nothing like that level of wealth, power or opportunity.

Apparently The Telegraph is a socialist newspaper.

My Innocence

Some mileage is made out of the second home payment I claim, they allege as the two houses in question are mere metres apart surely one would get pretty well much the same geographical advantage from just one house and for half the cost. Well that’s easy for them to say, the rules clearly state that where a blogger resides too far from their keyboard for daily commuting they can claim for the expense of a second house. As my keyboard when angled a certain way (on the shared patio with hot tub adventure playground and pro size driving range) is slightly nearer the second house than the first, it is therefore much more convenient to have this second house to work from. But their pedantry does not stop there, apparently claiming £27,059 for nude finger massages is somehow not a work related expense, well duh, typing is not easy and without this essential medical intervention I could become crippled for life. Smears that I dictate my posts to an indentured Balinese servant and hence this payment is for some other service are wildly overstated, they can buy themselves out at any time. There are also claims I have evaded tax on sales of ‘multiple second homes’ 83 times in the last 14 months, what nonsense! With a dedicated satellite wireless hub and platinum plated Mac Book Pro encrusted with emeralds, rubies and diamonds, my freedom of movement means many houses qualify for temporary second home eligibility and as far as I know there is no law against not paying tax, and if you doubt me ask a senior member of the government! They make the law (and are predominantly legally trained) so I don’t think you can find a better authority than that!

Furthermore it is essential we are paid at a certain level to attract the best talent and to provide a disincentive for bribery (which is why I will shortly be leading the charge for a 73% increase of our basic wage with attendant expenses increase in line with inflation – in 1920’s Weimar Germany). Apparently the newspapers have not noticed the stunning success of this strategy with a solid 100% of Britain’s best talent and every one a paragon of the utmost ethical standards and integrity. An inarguable triumph!

A ‘People Person’

Another issue that has been brought up is something termed inequality, I am told it is Marxist in concept and has something to do with fairness (I’m afraid my eyes just glazed over at this point with all the Bolshevik jargon). But allow me to explain for the benefit of those non-corporate types. I am paid 10 times (ten not meant in a literal or legally binding way) more than an average worker, that is because I am ten times better, as a person, as a professional, if I was murdered the perpetrator would get ten times the sentence than if they killed a fellow peasant, my life is ten times more important. Conversely if I was thought guilty of a crime the standard of evidence has to be ten times higher and the suspected crime ten times more severe. For instance only after killing 100 average workers (or 400 ‘jobseekers’) should I even be looked upon as a possible subject of an investigation and yet these irrelevant financial matters are seen as reason to impugn my Good Faith ™. Apparently the rabble have forgotten the rigid caste system our wonderful capitalist system enforces. Where is the innocent until proven powerless-or-foreign principle that has made our Ruling Class country so great?


In Conclusion

I would like to state categorically that if the rules are wrong that doesn’t make me wrong for knowingly pushing them to their limits. What, am I meant to have some objective moral standards or something, are you insane?

8 Responses to “A Statement On My Expenses”

  1. Dave Semple Says:

    Very amusing indeed! Blogrolled!

  2. earwicga Says:

    Nice work, I like🙂

  3. sim-o Says:

    Your honourable name has not been tainted in my eyes, good sir.
    You were, after all, still acting within the rules.

    • RickB Says:

      Clearly you are a man of impeccable honour, good taste and morals. I salute you! Now tell me, would you like to buy a bridge…

  4. earwicga Says:

    And obviously you would be brandishing ten cross-bows before the police shot you dead.


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