WaterBlogged- 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea

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Some blogs appeal for funds to cover bandwidth costs, hosting, new computers, prostitute fees. Some are worthy appeals- for example the inestimable Dave of a Complex Series Of Pipes (great post about southern bias in the flooding stories) looking for sponsorship to swim across Lake Windermere (that’s cold baby) to raise funds for Water Aid a great NGO that thinks people shouldn’t die of thirst or water borne diseases while the number of billionaires increases as never before. Some are not- any right wing blog (for example). But, Ten Percent has never asked for your money, until now…

Y’see reading this article about the hyper rich in America was fairly predictable, they even mentioned ‘trickle down economics’ hilarious! Mostly it is a list of the wealthy’s private world, private schools, jets, boats, compounds etc. Ok, so pass the ammunition and get building the guillotines, but then something really stuck in my craw. Yes the mega wealthy may say this is the politics of jealousy but I don’t really care, here’s the deal-

They are now so rich there is a market in building private submarines, the pinnacle of this the Phoenix sub is proposed to cost 85 million and is really a very nice sub.

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But this is just plain wrong, submarines are not for the super rich and their crack fuelled sex parties. No, submarines are for Captain Nemo’s or tense cold war undersea thrillers, even occasionally for TV Sci-fi. Sadly you see I have kind of a thing for submarines, as a 6 year old I and a friend wrote to ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ asking to go on a nuclear sub, for a while there I was pretty keen on becoming a submarine commander (it should also be noted that for a long time I thought being a petrol pump attendant was a great job, petrol smell all day and people constantly visiting and you giving them something they needed and them being thankful to you, fantastic. Not to mention the special offers, 6 glass tumblers or a big torch for every 100 gallons!). Yes I watched Stingray, Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea and even Seaquest DSV, I loved The Man From Atlantis (a claim made by only a few dolphins and the doctor woman sidekick -who was my first crush, quickly followed by the bionic woman). There was even a weird cartoon (one of the first dubbed animes) called Marine Boy- check the title sequence, pet dolphin, mermaid girlfriend, flying sub, what’s not to love?

And the films, Ice Station Zebra, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea and later Das Boot, On the Beach and The Hunt For Red October, The Abyss, Hostile Waters and the lesser entries- Gray Lady Down, The Enemy Below, Above Us The Waves, K19 (Don’t mention Crimson Tide, the appalling shoe horned Tarrantino dialogue only served to make it more wretched). Yep I even liked the rubber monster-a-thon of the Doug McClure-tastic The Land That Time Forgot because it began with a sub! And Operation Petticoat, Cary Grant, nurses, a big pink submarine!

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As a boy I went to a navy open day, and went on an old diesel sub, I even gave orders down the blow tube thingy and got them acknowledged back ship wide over the PA system. I screamed ‘Dive, Dive, Dive’ which was acknowledged very loudly for all the visitors to hear ‘Dive, dive, dive. Aye Aye Captain’, leading to some anxious looks from the punters at the still open hatches. Even had a battery driven sub toy for the bath.

So this is a step too far for me by the super rich scum, if they are to have swanky private subs then the time has come to dust off my Captain Nemo hat and sally forth, leave these landlubbers behind and Run Silent Run Deep in my own hunter-killer submarine of Robin Hood style justice! Yep if these twats want to swan around under the waves laughing at our quaint public schools, hospitals, social security and radar, it is my duty to bring to them the sheer terror of knowing an implacable enemy is locking a firing solution onto their executive submersible, opening tubes 1 through 4 and telling the XO I’d favour the cheese on toast for lunch. If they want to devastate the earth with their greed and then retreat underwater to savour their spoils then I will take the fight to them, they shall not escape. The Ten Percent Nautilus shall answer that call!

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So here’s the plan- while their swanky luxury subs will have all the latest shiny tat they are, compared to a military vessel- a big joke and guess what the Russian navy have for sale? Bing-fucking-O! In fact third or forth hand are even cheaper check this for 250,000 euros (Ok, it’s a poor Soviet knock off of a U-boat but even an old 50’s diesel sub outpaces the shitty billionaires plaything by 3 knots! And ok it needs the dive systems restoring and has been used as a floating wedding barge and museum but all dreams take work –still has the four 530 mm torpedo tubes in the bow and two in the stern- and won’t it be worth it just to see the faces of plutocrats as you surface). Of course the ultimate would be this, yep an actual nuclear submarine, no longer needed to put the fear of communism up the west this beauty would bring the class war to the oceans. Just when they thought it was safe to go back in the water, just when they thought they had escaped social responsibility to their fellow man… but just show me a luxury sub that can evade military sonar! They might have an endless supply of caviar but they ain’t got shit in the torpedo department. You know that trickle down theory? The only trickle they are going to feel will be when their hull begins buckling. Avast me hearties! Ships are for pretend pirates and losers, time to take it to the next level, forty fathoms below the surface!

11 Responses to “WaterBlogged- 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea”

  1. Winslie Gomez Says:

    Tenpercent
    Brilliant. Brilliant!
    Loved every word of it. Appeals to my sense of humour.

    Cheers
    winslie

  2. Tom Says:

    lol

    I loved Marine Boy. Need a torpedo hoister 3/c?

  3. RickB Says:

    Thanks Winslie, you are too kind.

    Ah Tom, yes that is the next phase, crewing the SS Nautilus, as a fellow Marine Boy fan you immediately qualify for a commissioned rank. And I should mention I do take the Operation Petticoat model for personnel as my guide, this boat welcomes the ladies.

  4. korova Says:

    Man, you just love those submarine things dontcha!!?? Even Seaquest DSV of all things!! Are you sure you don’t have a secret longing to join the navy and torpedoing the crap out of everything??!!

  5. RickB Says:

    I can’t help it, some things you can’t fight.
    Seaquest was a pretty borderline one for me, but any port in a storm (film & TV sub drought)- to mix water based metaphors.
    No! That was when I was 6, I grew up, clearly many people don’t and do join. I’d be a Connery-esque rogue who stole the sub, but not to hand over to another state, to roam the seas, a pirate Robin Hood! I’m not big on following orders without question, thus military life, not a good option.
    Oh and I forgot to mention ‘The World’ apartment cruise liner for tax evaders and offshore banks/corps, Cap’n Rick is coming to redistribute your booty!

  6. Andrew Says:

    Did you see this article on Vallywag a couple of weeks ago?
    Paul Allen (co-founder of Microsoft) has bought a $12m custom “Yellow Submarine”.

  7. RickB Says:

    No I didn’t but I read something somewhere about it a while back.
    Another omission, I like the Yellow Submarine cartoon (though not a big Beatles fan as such) cos it’s surreal and has a submarine in it!
    Anyways, that means another target for the Nautilus, do Apple make torpedo guidance systems? (and of course that windows launch on a sub, bastards)

  8. Dave On Fire Says:

    A nuclear powered underwater pirate Robin Hood? I’m not sure I’ve literally ever heard a better idea.

  9. RickB Says:

    I know! And if I can’t afford a sub, maybe I can interest Johnny Depp in a movie version at the very least and after the wrap party, the sub bought for filming with Hollywood money, mysteriously vanishes…

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